Cautionary Tales from My Life

 "You either become an inspiration or become a cautionary tale", someone said something like this. And it is not hard to establish that this statement is trivially true because after all the categories are exhaustive over the sample space. Here I was tempted to write mutually exclusive but that is hard to define and can be quite tricky. At times I pondered whether I can locate myself in either category. And it turned out to be difficult than I expected. However I recently arrived at a conclusion that my experiences suit more to be tales of caution. Even my stories of inspiration are cautionary.

Firstly what exactly is my motivation? Well nothing much, it is all personal which is a fancy way of saying that I am doing it for selfish reasons. I just want to write my heart out and just feel good. I would love if people read it but I really do not care about that. Well you read till here why not complete it right?

I have for long lived in a bubble, not because I wanted to but rather because I was not sure how not to make a bubble around me. This bubble metaphor is so amazing. So one one hand a bubble can go bust whereas a bubble can take you to heights before it busts. I will here develop upon the second interpretation. One thing I have done in my life for long(regrettably) is to internalize my conflicts, pains and basically my life itself. I was a happening person but even I could not see it. I never understood that I could come out too, be a little more expressive. And mind the meaning of 'expressiveness' I intend. I was a public speaker. I was good in studies and was the class monitor too. This expressiveness is just different. What exactly is it? Well it is something for sure....

In one of the incident I did not listen to songs for 4 years because I had started believing that songs could kill my character. It was a crazy thought but it took me years to get rid off. Pretty stupid huh.. I was quite serious back then. Well owing to the incident I have grown up without a taste in music. I do not really regret my absence of taste in music(it simplifies the conversation) however such dangerous trend could have transformed into something sinister and hence a cautionary tale.

Internalizing pain made me feel bad about me. I feared happy moments. I would keep myself from happy moments because I believed that they were not meant for me. Even in moments of happiness I would always keep my ecstasy low because I mentally prepared myself for the sad times which would follow up. They followed up and pretty fast because I earnestly waited for them. It should have never happened that way. A tale of caution as to why no one should be doing it. It is like a quicksand you just go getting deeper in it. 

And it gets worse because you start missing opportunities because you do not have any confidence left. You are not able to convince yourself whether you are the right person for the opportunity. So all this process repeats resulting in frequent breakdowns. Remember the bubble metaphor. So let me now elaborate on it. Imagine your troubles as a bubble. It is taking you up against your will. But being a bubble it will go bust sometime, but who knows when and at what height. You will be inside that bubble for all that time. Your actions and choices inside that bubble determines how to survive the bust. If are develop the skills to fly then by the time bubble goes bust you are already at a height. You can start exploring the world from given height. Or if you are unprepared you fall straight to ground. Internalizing pain can seriously hamper your desires to fly. It is just a recent realization that we must see things in a larger picture. I wish i realized that earlier but yeah better late than never.

And then there are relations. I struggled to establish any real contact with people around me because again I felt so out of place everywhere. I struggled to believe that I could be good-enough to be good. This habit of me plagues me till date and I am having to put extra efforts to get rid of this.

Yes my life is that of caution. You are not supposed to be as miserable in life as I have been. I seriously wish I had realized this all earlier. Life is full of surprises. You never know what will happen at the blink of eye. You never understand why it is happening. The best you can do is to be prepared. Remember when inside the bubble catch all the feathers you can and stich your wings. Think of your action as small pieces in larger scheme of things. And remember that the bust would come sooner or later.

For more such experiences in a very detailed manner, wait for my autobiography releasing atleast after 40 years. And hooray...you made it till here..